Tired

‘I need a mental health day.’
I’ve said it.
I’ve heard it.
Sometimes I’ve even taken it.
Turns out we all get one.

Today is World Mental Health Day.
It’s a day for mental health awareness, education, and advocacy.
To remove the stigma of mental illness.
To make it clear that it’s OK to let others know that things aren’t OK with you.
To make it easier to ask for help.

The burden of carrying the load of illness is staggering.
It’s numbing.
It’s exhausting.
I know this is true.

Not only because I’ve seen it in my family; I’ve seen it in the mirror.

I am a survivor of bulimia.
Telling my doctor about this issue, which is in my past, earned me an entry on my medical file: Mental Illness.
Well, alright then.

I am a survivor of postpartum depression.
BAM.
That’s another entry.

My father committed suicide.
My grandmother suffered from ‘nerves’.
My brother.
Well, my brother has had a varied diagnosis, so I’ll say it’s complicated.
BAM.
Better keep your eye on me.

It’s tiring.
Always watching for the truth to seep out of a crack.
Moving on and showing up and cleaning and caring and trying and SMILING.
God, please.
Please help me!
ALL of the SMILING that is required to be non-offensive.
To keep everyone AT EASE.
Not to CAUSE a SCENE.
What will people think?

When your mind can’t help asking you why you are rushing.
Why be on time?
Why try?
Why even move forward when the light turns green?
What is the use?
What is the purpose?
Why even ask?
Who cares?

And yet.
And sometimes.
And just perhaps.
A change.
There is a light.
There is a hope.
A thread.
A memory.
A stubbornness.
A desire.
Heat.
Hunger.
Love.
You want.
You want… something.

And sometimes, you ask for help.
Sometimes you tell.
Sometimes you admit.
Sometimes you reach out and find a hand is there.

If it’s you.
If you need help: ask.
If that secret has you worn to the bone with weariness, put it down.
Or get someone to help you carry it.

If you can give help- reach out.
If you have the strength, look for ways to use it.

Compassion is a good start.
Compassion for others.
Compassion for yourself.

____________________________________________________________________________

Here are some places to get help:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Call 800-273-TALK (8255)

If you or someone you know is in crisis—whether they are considering suicide or not—please call the toll-free Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) to speak with a trained crisis counselor 24/7.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline connects you with a crisis center in the Lifeline network closest to your location. Your call will be answered by a trained crisis worker who will listen empathetically and without judgment. The crisis worker will work to ensure that you feel safe and help identify options and information about mental health services in your area. Your call is confidential and free.

Crisis Text Line – Text NAMI to 741-741

Connect with a trained crisis counselor to receive free, 24/7 crisis support via text message.

National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-SAFE (7233)

Trained expert advocates are available 24/7 to provide confidential support to anyone experiencing domestic violence or seeking resources and information. Help is available in Spanish and other languages.

National Sexual Assault Hotline – Call 800-656-HOPE (4673)

Connect with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area that offers access to a range of free services. Crisis chat support is available at Online Hotline. Free help, 24/7.

(This entry is part of the #Write31Days Challenge.)