I walked through Ann Arbor yesterday evening.
It was that just-dark time,
and the sidewalks were bustling as the comedy clubs,
music spots, lecture halls , and the like were just releasing people into the evening.
I kept a close look at the signs,
I seldom walk through downtown and don’t ever remember walking it at night alone.
For a person that considers North ‘up’ and East ‘to the side’, paying attention to signs is very important.
I saw lighted windows everywhere,
the golden light spilling through the panes looked so warm and welcoming.
(I hadn’t brought a coat because last week was 80% and : unprepared.)
I could see people sitting around tables, laptops open.
I figured I was passing a library or study center or something.
Everyone had heads down,
frowns on their faces,
hands in their hair.
Intent.
Worried.
Focused.
And then I saw the sign.
It was a residence hall.
These people may have been studying but they were at home.
In a place that they were (likely) paying to live.
Studying something they were (likely) paying to study.
Courses that were likely of their choosing.
In a warm and golden room.
Surrounded by people with the same interests.
And they looked like they were SUFFERING.
They were in mental agony.
Pushed and pushed HARD.
But still, when you come down to it, they were something they chose to do.
I wonder- do I look like that everyday?
I have a job that I enjoy.
On good days I feel like I have accomplished good things,
worked with good people.
But oh sweet baby Jane-
by the end of the day my hair is a hot mess from dragging my fingers through it so much.
I can hoard my bottle of Asprominacetaphin (or whatever) like it’s the last bottle after the Apocalypse,
savoring the relief it will bring when chugged with my guilty-pleasure Diet Coke.
I don’t sleep enough on the regular.
I sometimes look up and realize that I am hangry because breakfast has bled into lunchtime.
Do I look like I am enjoying what I am doing?
Challenging, yes, but do I look friendly- or do I look like I am in pain?
Grateful- or besieged?
Listen, I have heard enough women
(and sometimes that woman is me)
told that I should ‘Just smile!’ to last me a lifetime.
My calling in life isn’t to put people at ease… or is it?
I mean, I can do that without a fake smile stretching my lips.
This I know for sure.
But letting myself enjoy my life?
I owe that to me.
(This post is part of the #31DayWritingChallenge2019 )
Pocket Change 